Fun Friday: Jokes

In a comment thread last week Raju said:

Fred
I would like this community involved by sharing the best jokes they have heard in their lives or sharing the best incidents happened to their lives. Wouldn't that be great?

Best incidents in our lives is a big one. We might go there.

But jokes are a lot easier. So I will give you all one and then you can share yours in the comments, as is the Fun Friday norm.

One ask – keep it clean (ish). Don't tell any jokes you wouldn't tell in the company of five year olds.

Here's mine, which hopefully won't be a metaphor for this thread. It comes from the awesome and almost never clean Richard Pryor.

I'd like to make you laugh for about ten minutes — though I'm gonna be on for an hour.


#funny

Comments (Archived):

  1. JimHirshfield

    So an entrepreneur, VC, and a rabbi walk into a bar…

    1. whitneymcn

      …and everybody says “oh, hi, Andy?”

      1. JimHirshfield

        Was that directed at @aweissman ?

        1. whitneymcn

          He’s the only person I’ve actually heard described using all three terms.

    2. fredwilson

      You are going to leave me hanging?

      1. JimHirshfield

        Unfortunately, I can’t finish the joke. I had to wind it down for lack of funding.

        1. fredwilson

          nicely done

    3. ShanaC

      I actually can see this happening in real life.

  2. jason wright

    Well, that rules out my polar bear joke.

    1. Tom Labus

      Ah, come on

      1. Carl Rahn Griffith

        As Mrs Doyle would say, “Go on, go on, go on ….”If you don’t know Father Ted …http://www.youtube.com/watc…Watched each and every of all too few episodes many, many times – we cry with laughter each time. Much, much recommended. One of the very, very best, ever.And, yes, he’s dead. RIP. 🙁

      2. jason wright

        but this is a family show.

  3. Dan Lewis

    My favorite Knock Knock joke?It may be hard to do via comments, but let’s try.You start.

  4. John Best

    My favourite joke of all time. Mostly people just look at me strangely after the punchline.A guy walks into a bar, the barman can’t help but notice that his head is a giant orange. The guy sits down, orders a pint and pays for it. As the barman pours, he can’t help but comment:”Excuse me, I hope you don’t mind me saying but..””…my head looks like a giant orange?””I expect there’s a story about that””There is. One day, I was out walking in the desert when I tripped over an antique oil lamp. Feeling a bit foolish I rubbed it, and was stunned when a genie appeared!””Go on,” said the barman, rapt.”well, the Orange-headed patron continued “I was even more amazed when it offered me three wishes!””No!””Yes!””What did you wish for?””I’m glad you asked. For my first wish I chose a wallet that would never run out of money.” He pulls out his wallet and lo and behold grabs handfuls of 10s and 20s without the wallet ever getting more empty.”Incredible!””I know! For my second wish, I wished for a night with the most beautiful woman of all time, look!” He pulls out snapshots of his date with Helen of Troy.”Wow!””Right?””What was your third wish?””My third wish was for a head like a giant orange.”

    1. Carl Rahn Griffith

      Nicely surreal, lol 😉

    2. Peter St. Onge

      Nice!

    3. ShanaC

      *giggle*

    4. Denim

      reminds me of one of my fav movies – So I Married an Axe Murderer:Stuart Mackenzie:Look at the size of that boy’s heed.Tony Giardino:Shhh!Stuart Mackenzie:I’m not kidding, it’s like an orange on a toothpick.Tony Giardino:Shhh, you’re going to give the boy a complex.Stuart Mackenzie:Well, that’s a huge noggin. That’s a virtual planetoid.Tony Giardino:Shh!Stuart Mackenzie:Has it’s own weather system.Tony Giardino:Sh, sh, shh.Stuart Mackenzie:HEAD! MOVE!Stuart Mackenzie:I’m not kidding, that boy’s head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! Now that was offside, wasn’t it? He’ll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.

  5. delocalizer

    To continue with the bar trope…Guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. Barman serves him, glances down and says ‘So, I can’t help but notice, you’ve got a steering wheel sticking out of your trousers there.’ Guy says, ‘Yeah, I know. It’s driving me nuts.’

    1. Carl Rahn Griffith

      Lol. OK, here we go, I give in ….Horse walks into a bar – barman asks, “Why the long face?”

      1. David Semeria

        A bear says to a barman “Can I have a…………………….pint of cider”Barman: “Why the big paws?”

        1. Cam MacRae

          Brilliant.

      2. andyidsinga

        -1 no you did not! 😉

    2. fredwilson

      I’m wondering whether that meats the five year old test and laughing at the same time

  6. Carl Rahn Griffith

    I’m not one for traditional bang-bang jokes, really, but I love a bit of irony/pathos or the surreal, which is pretty hard to render in this context. However, I can recommend the clip/s, below – Dave Allen (RIP) – way ahead of his time and a classic story-teller style of comedian – this first clip was many, many years before sub prime, etc…http://www.youtube.com/watc…And a somewhat more frivolous (and briefer) clip that has made me cry with laughter for many, many years…http://www.youtube.com/watc…Enjoy 🙂

  7. RichardF

    I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister

    1. Carl Rahn Griffith

      Very Les Dawson, lol :-)http://www.youtube.com/watc…

        1. Carl Rahn Griffith

          Ditto.

      1. RichardF

        the master…

      2. andyidsinga

        i’m crying.. look at the guys in the band behind 🙂

    2. kirklove

      Now, that’s a funny line.

    3. Rohan

      Related theme – :D’Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.’ | Bill Cosby

      1. Techman

        My name is Michael (obviously), so does my name carry? 😛

    4. fredwilson

      I love tweetable jokes. That’s excellent

      1. Techman

        Wish Disqus had a way of tweeting a thread, oh wait they already done that. 🙂

    5. Donna Brewington White

      That’s funny. The same guy who told me the dog joke I shared in this thread also told me that when he was a kid he slept in his parents’ bed. I asked if he had any younger siblings. He said no and it was funny watching as the realization dawned on him.

      1. RichardF

        recipe for disaster, we never ever gave in on that.

    6. Prokofy

      Bill Cosby: “I started out as a child.”

  8. baba12

    Hmm, five year olds are reading the AVC blog. Oh blimey….

    1. Carl Rahn Griffith

      Down in the Valley… 😉

  9. jason wright

    I think we may be in need of Dick Costolo’s input!

    1. fredwilson

      I will ask him to join

  10. awaldstein

    If you haven’t stepped backwards you’ve volunteered.Groucho

    1. William Mougayar

      Which reminds of this other joke.Sargent who isn’t very diplomatic has to tell one of his men Lopez that his grand-mother died. He calls the whole unit and says: “Those with a living grandmother, step forward…not so fast Lopez.”

  11. Carl Rahn Griffith

    I did just recall this Tommy Cooper (RIP) classic …A woman tells her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back.’ The doctor says, ‘It’s old age.’ The woman says, ‘I want a second opinion.’ The doctor says: ‘Okay – you’re ugly as well.’All my favourite comedians are dead I have just realised. Hmmmm.Anyway, if you can get it, worth tuning in via DAB radio or online to BBC Radio 4Extra – loads of classic British comedy on there. I love it. Recession? Who cares…http://beta.bbc.co.uk/radio…Enjoy! 🙂

    1. LE

      Man goes to doctor who tells him he’s got 6 months to live. Can’t pay his bill so he gives him another 6 months (or something like that).

    2. fredwilson

      British humor …..

  12. andyswan

    Facebook stock

    1. Carl Rahn Griffith

      That’s too silly.

      1. andyidsinga

        This is old’ish ..but I’ve been laughing at it this week while thinking about new computing devices …this is a big-a$$ table.http://www.youtube.com/watc

        1. andyidsinga

          BTW – my 10 yr old (eating breakfast beside me) was listening to that video as I was playing it..Daughter: apple is making a table?Me: no, microsoft is.Daughter: {blank stare}Me: do you know who microsoft is?Daughter: {shakes head} – no.me : {I am old}

        2. ShanaC

          I actually really like that surface table, and wish they were more affordable. I think it is a brilliant UX

          1. andyidsinga

            me too actually! Even more so because of that spoof video 🙂 I seriously would like a computer the size of a small car – how cool is that ?!I would love to pull this out at a party – “yeah – nice iDevice you have there, BTW, I’ve got a computer the size of a small car mother-fukka! ” :O

          2. ShanaC

            I don’t get the hate!!!!

          3. andyidsinga

            no hate ..what hate?

      2. Donna Brewington White

        I want THAT Facebook!

      3. Wavelengths

        Like. (Ooops.)

    2. Kasi Viswanathan Agilandam

      Fred asked for ‘clean(ish)’ joke and you are making dirtiest joke ever :-).

      1. Carl Rahn Griffith

        Zynga’s not far behind…

      1. ShanaC

        nothing wrong with dating…

        1. LE

          Shows they are attempting to go down the path of being famous for being famous. Juxtaposed against the whole “facebook was our idea” that they based their identity on. Do they have any other great ideas?http://en.wikipedia.org/wik…And what have these tall good looking men done with their Harvard education and pampered upbringing? (Didn’t need Harvard to do rowing that’s for sure).

          1. ShanaC

            realize that the Kardashians are raking it in? I dunno, if it weren’t for cameras every single moment I would wonder if it could be funny.

          2. LE

            Don’t get me wrong. I don’t ever ever ever (have I made myself clear) have any problem with someone earning a buck and exploiting any angle that they can. To do otherwise would be stupid, that is the way that I was raised.So if I make comments about how I think Chris Matthew’s sucks or Howard Stern is vulgar, or some women (and men) are goldiggers that’s separate from a deep admiration for how they have managed to be willing to take the heat and earn a living from doing what others don’t have the guts to do because they are worried about what people think or hurting someone’s feelings.

    3. fredwilson

      Oh snap. Happily you left Zynga out of that joke

  13. Kasi Viswanathan Agilandam

    Going with bar joke. In bar table person1 and person2 are sitting and having their drinks.Person1: I hate people who think they are the best in the world and give advice. They will tell how to do things how not to do things. How to behave in public. How to avoid controversy etc.,etc., Those guys makes me go nuts. What to do with those guys? You can’t beat them because that is unpolite and uncivilized. You cannot scold them they will feel bad. So what i do is … if any idiot gives any advice… i go …’hmm… what you say is right’ and leave that place.Person2: hmm…what you say is correct.(and leaves that bar).

    1. fredwilson

      I think bloggers are those kind of people

  14. William Mougayar

    You want to hear a joke backwards?Start by laughing!

    1. Vasudev Ram

      Good one. I feel inspired to write some code to do something backwards …

  15. Kasi Viswanathan Agilandam

    Here is a start-up entrepreneur joke. (i posted this in AVC few months back on a different context).A Entrepreneur goes to a fortune teller and asks “What would be my future?”.Fortune teller: You will suffer like a road side dog for 5-years.SE: ha .. that is a good news.FT: Good news? why that is a good news for you?SE: I will be successful after 5-years and make millions right?FT: No.E: what? What happens after 5-years? Am i not going to be rich?FT: No. You will get used to living like a road side dog.

  16. andyswan

    An Irish man walks out of a bar.

    1. LE

      A jew walks into a bar.

      1. ShanaC

        with an irishman

        1. LE

          As a kid I remember when my parents sold their first house. The buyer came to the house with his wife and was having some meeting with my dad about some details. I was probably 6 or 7 at the time. My dad asked the man if he wanted anything to drink (like water or pepsi etc it was the afternoon). The man said “I’ll take a beer”. My father didn’t have any beer and the manischewitz was for passover. So the man said “no problem” then proceeded to go out to his car and brought a six pack of beer in. The look on my parents face was priceless and I remember their reaction to this day.

  17. andyswan

    The hardest part about rollerblading is telling your dad you’re gay.

    1. LE

      Proves my thought that comedy, like business, is about taking chances. As of now 4 upvotes (1 mine) and 7 down votes. Apparently more people were offended than liked your joke that cared to cast a vote. That’s a good sign. As Joan Rivers would say “oh please”. Apparently some people never saw “The Aristocrats”.

      1. andyswan

        Right on. No one is offended but a lot of people felt bad for laughing 🙂

  18. William Mougayar

    True one. Fred recently posted a Foursquare check-in at Taralluci “2 USV VC’s & me, each at different tables.” To which I replied: An entrepreneur walks in… and starts experiencing neck pains. 

    1. Tereza

      Whiplash.

      1. William Mougayar

        Or more like a wind vane 🙂

        1. Tereza

          Or an owl.”Who?” “Who?” “Who?”

    2. Donna Brewington White

      Speaking of Foursquare I had just checked into a pizza restaurant in Beverly Hills because my son had a doctor ‘s appointment in the area. Shortly afterward we’re driving down Rodeo Drive and my son asks “Let’s find a Starbucks — I bet they have one here since this looks like a hip street.”

      1. ShanaC

        ouch

  19. georgebc

    A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.The librarian says, “Bugger off – you won’t bring it back!”

    1. fredwilson

      Nicely done

  20. William Mougayar

    A man using Apple Maps walks into a bar… or maybe a hotel.  Or possibly a church 

    1. John Best

      Zing! 😀

    2. RichardF

      love it…

    3. Kasi Viswanathan Agilandam

      Now that is a good one….and fresh.

    4. Abdallah Al-Hakim

      did you see the spoof that Mad magazine did on Apple maps fiasco? it is pretty funny – http://www.madmagazine.com/

      1. John Revay

        Steve Jobs – RIP

        1. Abdallah Al-Hakim

          I am sure he would have gone nuts over this – there is a famous story in his autobiography about the mobile me screw up and it reminded me of this map thing. Having said that – I am not sure that an apology would have been made as quickly as it had!!

    5. andyidsinga

      ..or yo mamas house!:)

    6. kidmercury

      hahhahaha!

      1. Donna Brewington White

        Did you start this one, Kid?

    7. ShanaC

      Hehehe

    8. Sean Saulsbury

      …or maybe it was the ocean.

    9. pointsnfigures

      I don’t think I have to read any more after this one. Quit engag.io and go on tv.

    10. Ahmet Kara

      Great!

    11. paramendra

      Ha ha! LMAO!

    12. Mark Essel

      :)Great compliment to the folks that bring us Google Maps

  21. Emi Gal

    A man using Apple Maps walks in to a bar… or maybe a hotel. Or possibly a church.

    1. laurie kalmanson

      or off a cliff …

    2. William Mougayar

      Good one, but I already mentioned it :)Things move fast on this blog.

      1. andyidsinga

        I’ve now seen at least two repeat jokes … the nexus of the universe is here at Fred’s blog! …not 1st and 1st https://www.youtube.com/wat

        1. William Mougayar

          Jerry Seinfeld !!!!!!! Yeah

        2. Robert Holtz

          Oh man… those shows were the greatest. “I’m at 1st and 1st!”And Kramer was my favorite.Thanks for the chuckles and the good memories. :-)(By the way, “1st and 1st” reminds me of Lewis Black’s “End of the Universe” routine. Do you know it?)

          1. andyidsinga

            😉 Love Lewis Black ..have to go look up the end of universe!

  22. BiHi

    A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker.The guy is amazed that the dog is playing poker.”Bartender, is that a real dog playing poker?” the guy asks.”Yep, real as can be.” the bartender replies.”That’s amazing!” the customer exclaims.”Not really,” says the bartender. “Every time he gets a good hand he gives it away by wagging his tail.”

  23. WilliamGregg

    A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a drink and a mop.

  24. fishbane

    A frog walks into a bank, and talks to the Loan officer, a gentleman named Elsemere Paddywhack. “Hello, I’m Kermit Jagger, and want to borrow $5million against this plastic statue of an elephant.”Paddywhack finds that absurd. Jagger insists they take this to the manager.”What is this? A frog, an elephant, $5 million? This is nuts!””Its a knickknack, Paddywhack, give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

    1. JLM

      .Hahahahahaha………………………….haha. Well played!.

  25. WilliamGregg

    Why’d the lobsters get divorced? They were just too shellfish.

    1. Tom Labus

      Drum roll please

    2. fredwilson

      Silly but good

  26. WilliamGregg

    How are dark clouds and life preservers alike? They’re for boating.

  27. WilliamGregg

    Guy walks into a bar and says “Ouch!”

  28. Avi Deitcher

    To continue the bar… (old Howie Mandel joke):Two guys walk into a bar… which is really dumb, because you think after the first guy walked into it, the second guy would have seen it!

  29. Tereza

    I’ve been working with Jamaican startups all week in Kingston. Been a blast meeting these entrepreneurs. A CEO told me this one:An 81-year old grandmother is lecturing her grandson on economizing.”You know son, back in da day, my mother used to give me a dollar to go into town. I’d go down da hill into town, and come back wit 4 oranges, 2 breadfruit, 1 loaf of bread, one jug of fresh milk, a pound of red beans, 8 eggs and 2 chickens.I would NEVER be able to do dat today wit all dem security cameras.”

    1. fredwilson

      That’s a good one Tereza

  30. Tal Lev

    This one is from my dad:a telemarketer calls a residential number, and a whispering voice, apparently a kid’s, answers:Kid (whispering): hello?Telemarketer: Hi, is mommy home?K (whispering) No, she’s outside.T: And daddy?K: (whispering) No, he’s also outside.T: When will they be back? What are they doing outside?K: (whispering) I dunno, they’re outside with all the neighbors and there’s a bunch of TV reporters and vans with satellite dishes and police cars and I think they’re all looking for somethingT: Really? What are they all looking for?Kid (whispering): shhhh… me

  31. Avi Deitcher

    My father’s favourite, very apropos for now:Guy goes to his doctor, says, “Doc, I eat only healthy foods, I don’t drink, I don’t fool around, I exercise every day, I sleep eight hours a night. Will I live a long life?” Doctor looks at the guy and says, “what the hell for?”

    1. laurie kalmanson

      patient: doctor doctor, it hurts when i do this doctor: so stop doing it

    2. fredwilson

      That’s great!

  32. Abdallah Al-Hakim

    since I never do remember jokes – my task today would be to vote for my favourite ones

  33. Kasi Viswanathan Agilandam

    Teacher: John can’t you see Tom is sleeping … Wake him up.John: You only made him sleep… now you have to wake him up.

  34. brian trautschold

    warning: looong bar joke.big tough guy walks into a bar with his enormous, regal German Shepherd. See’s an average guy sitting at the bar with his own dog, with the dog sitting on the bar.German shepherd starts growling at the average guy’s dog.Big tough guy: “man that is one ugly dog you’ve got. why don’t you get that thing off the bar??”Average guy: “Well I would, but I would hate it if our dogs started fighting”Big tough guy, laughing: “Sir, no offense, but my dog would kill that ugly old dog of yours. It looks like it doesn’t even have fur anymore.”Average guy, “I’d really prefer not to find out.”Big tough guy continues to berate the average guys dog, and finally after too many insults, the average guy says, “fine, we’ll take the dogs outside and see what happens”. Average guy picks his dog off the counter and walks it outside.The big tough guy comes outside, proud of his dog, which at this point is growling and barking. The ugly dog is just laying on the ground.Average guy makes one more attempt at stopping the fight, “Sir, I really don–” but the big tough guy cuts him off, “these dogs are fighting!”Immediately when the big tough guy releases the German Shepherds leash, hell breaks loose, and the German Shepherd attacks. The ugly dog comes to life, attacking back, rolling the dog onto its back, and in a few short seconds the big tough guy’s regal dog is dead.Big tough guy looks in disbelief at the ugly dog, “What, how did… what kind of dog is that?!”Average guy, “Well, before I cut his tail off and painted him yellow, he was an alligator.”

    1. fredwilson

      Worth the length. Nice one.

    2. Vasudev Ram

      That reminds me of the movie “Crocodile Dundee”.Check the scene where the heroine almost gets grabbed by a croc.Then Dundee saves her by killing it.Also, the scene where he stares down a wild buffalo is fantastic.It actually changes from threatening to mild and lies down on the ground.

    3. Techman

      Holy Crap! Good one sir, good one.

  35. whitneymcn

    I’ll preface this by saying I spent years living with two mathematicians and a pysicist, for both better and worse…Shortly after the autobahn opened, Werner Heisenberg offered to take his friend Wolfgang for a drive, to experience the unprecedented driving experience they offered.At first Wolfgang was enjoying the ride, but as Heisenberg continued to speed up Wolfgang started to get nervous. Heisenberg had the accelerator flat on the floor, a brittle grin on his face, and he was staring intensely at the road ahead of them.After a few more minutes, Wolfgang couldn’t take his eyes off the speedometer creeping higher and higher. He tried not to say anything, but as they passed 130 kilometers per hour he couldn’t restrain himself any longer.”Fucking hell, Werner,” he said, bracing himself against the dashboard, “do you know how fast we’re going?”Without taking his eyes off the road, Heisenberg replied, “no, but I know exactly where we are.”

    1. Tereza

      Sounds like a joke my dad would tell, RIP. Made my day!

    2. Dave Pinsen

      Nice.

    3. fredwilson

      Nerd JokeWell played!

    4. Vasudev Ram

      Heisenberg’s principle is, uh, uncertain … I made a good joke at work about it once, but am uncertain about it now.

  36. christopolis

    The carrot was devastated to learn his friend the cabbage had been hit by a car. He rushed to the hospital where the cabbage had been admitted and immediately found the doctor. “What’s the outlook doc””I have some good news and I have some bad news.” said the doc “The good news is your friend is going to live, The bad news he is going to be a vegetable the rest of his life.”

    1. fredwilson

      Good one

  37. Glen Coates

    A carload of musicians are on their way to a gig, and have to stop for gas in a bad part of town.They all go inside to get smokes and on the way in, the drummer says to the banjo player “Hey! Your banjo’s in full view on the back seat! Put it in the trunk out of sight or the car’s going to get broken into.” The banjo player ignores him and goes inside.They come out five minutes later and the back window is smashed. The drummer runs over, looks inside and screams out in anguish.Someone has thrown five more banjos onto the back seat.

    1. fredwilson

      Hey, I love the banjo

      1. Glen Coates

        s/banjo/electric violin/g

  38. laurie kalmanson

    metaphor for change:what did the snail say who was mugged by a turtle?everything happened so fast, it was a blur

  39. Rohan

    ‘The statistics on sanity are that one in every four is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you.’

    1. fredwilson

      Gotham Gal was touched by your call Rohan. Nice gesture.

      1. Donna Brewington White

        That @Rohan is a class act.

        1. fredwilson

          Yes he is. Rumor has it he might be coming to the US for grad school.

          1. ShanaC

            really now?

          2. Donna Brewington White

            Yay! Would it be too selfish to hope for a West Coast school? cc: @rrohan189:disqus

  40. Rohan

    Voted the 2nd funniest joke everSherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”:D

    1. Wavelengths

      Bellylaugh!

    2. Techman

      I see the joke, but I don’t get it. Watson’s thoughts are valid, but when does the part about somebody stealing their tent come in? A learning a day at its finest.

      1. Rohan

        Well, the concept here is that Watson tried to impress Sherlock with his observations and missed the most basic fact – that the only reason he was able to see the sky and the stars was because someone had stolen their tent. :-)Elementary… ;-)(And Michael does sort of carry, doesn’t it? haha)

        1. Techman

          Oh…I get it now!Subject: [avc] Re: Fun Friday: Jokes

  41. Chris Stephenson

    Man walks into a doctor’s office with an angry frog on his head. Doctor says: “How can I help you.” Frog says, “Yes, I need to have this thing remove from my rear end.”

    1. laurie kalmanson

      a princess picks up a talking frog.kiss me, and i will turn into a prince, he says.why would i do that? she says. i’ve seen a million princes, but a talking frog is something special

  42. Dan

    Sticking with bar jokes – A million people walk into a bar in Silicon Valley for its opening weekend, after spending 10 million dollars on marketing. No one buys a single drink and everyone leaves. The bar is considered a HUGE success…

    1. fredwilson

      Hey that’s my life you are turning into a joke 😉

    2. Prokofy

      But what were the 30-day uniques?

  43. James Ferguson @kWIQly

    Mine’s a true story…Names changed to protect (and minor facts long forgotten) …TK was a medic in the bush war in Rhodesia – they saw some pretty hard fighting.This story was told to me by his with who says she witnessed it.When he got out he took a job as a triage nurse in a hospital in Welkom where they see some pretty horrid mining accidents.So a guy walks (yes walks) into A&E with an axe literally lodged in his skull.TK to Patient”Now – tell me – what appears to be the problem ? “

    1. ShanaC

      humor of war

      1. James Ferguson @kWIQly

        Yup laughing at adversity is a key survival technique – ask @FAKEGRIMLOCK

        1. FAKE GRIMLOCK

          IT FUNNY THING.MOST PEOPLE SCREAM INSTEAD.LAUGHING ONES TASTE LOTS BETTER.

  44. James Ferguson @kWIQly

    So the snail walks into the car salesroom and says “I want your fastest car”and I want big “S” painted on the side – and I’m paying cash.Salesman says – no problem – but tell me – why the “S” ?Snail – I want my friends to say hey – look at the S-Car-GO

    1. William Mougayar

      funny…

  45. laurie kalmanson

    the funniest joke in the world: monty python”it was obvious that this joke was lethal. no one could read it … and live.”http://www.youtube.com/watc…

    1. ShanaC

      I love that skit. And hurray for Monty Python

  46. mikenolan99

    A Minnesota radio station was celebrating the anniversary of D-Day by interviewing Sven, one of the last remaining fighter pilots alive during World War II. Asked to tell a story about one of his heroic battles, Sven replied: (Thick Swedish accent)”One day over Germany I was separated from my squadron. I rose into the clouds for cover, but when I came out ahead of me was a Fokker. Below me a Fokker. To the right a Fokker. Everywhere a Fokker.The announcer was a bit nervous, this being live radio. He interrupted and said “Sven, I think it is important that our listeners know that the Fokker was a type of German aircraft used in the War.”Sven replied: “Ya. Ya. Dis is true. But these Fokkers were flying Messerschmitts.”

    1. fredwilson

      good one

  47. Ela Madej

    Not sure if that one is the funniest (I am a walking disaster) but a couple of months ago I went to a party with some tech friends in SF and was introduced to a friend of a friend.We chatted casually for around fifteen minutes, I told him what I was doing etc. At the end I asked the inevitable question “How about yourself?” The guy looks at me and says: “Oh. I’m MC Hammer”.

    1. mikenolan99

      I was once chatting about vintage guitars in an airport with a scruffy guy. He said he was playing in town and asked me if I wanted to come to the show. I asked the name of his band. “Foo Fighters” was the reply.Yeah… I’m hip…(Though we did end up back stage….)

      1. ShanaC

        also awesome

      2. Ela Madej

        ;-)I also totally messed up. That;s not a joke, that’s a story!

    2. ShanaC

      awesome

    3. Donna Brewington White

      I’ve had a few of those moments like the time I met a guy at a friend’s birthday party and told him that he looked vaguely familiar only to discover later that evening that he was a well known celebrity (he had introduced himself by first name only). We had a silent laugh across the room from each other when later we made eye contact and he realized I had figured it out.But one of my favorite stories is the Back-to-School night when my husband and I agreed to split time in our kids’ classrooms, each sitting through half the presentation in each class before switching places. In my daughter’s 3rd grade class the parents were sitting scrunched at our kids’ desks grouped in fours with two side by side facing two others. A beautiful buxom blonde came in late and sat across from me. I slipped outside for a moment to call my husband suggesting that we perhaps should just stay put rather than switching midway through. When I later told him that I had “saved” him from having to sit across from Pamela Anderson he said “You owe me.”

      1. Ela Madej

        haha, good strategy Donna!

    4. fredwilson

      he’s a regular in the SF tech scene. i’ve never been able to understand why

      1. Ela Madej

        Well, it makes some sense. At the risk of messing sth up – he lost all his money at some point but started investing in some tech startups a few years ago, he’s working on his own search company, too, which was announced last year at Web 2.0 Expo. I also know he attended this year’s YC Demo Day. More here: http://www.quora.com/What-i…Plus Fred – there are so many “regulars” in SF tech scene who have little to do with technology that–by mere comparison–he seems legit 😉

      2. Ela Madej

        Thinking of it – I should not be sarcastic abt people in tech scene. “Tech scene” is made of many people who won’t make it and that’s the part of the game. And has to.

    5. Techman

      I don’t get it.

      1. Ela Madej

        Cause it’s not a joke. It’s a personal story, I did not understand the assignment 😉

  48. Fermín

    An atheist finds himself totally lost in a dessert. He is about to succumb when looks up and says:”Please God, I know I have never believed in you, but I beg you, I beg you to help me…”Silence.”Please, please, please… I will be good from now on. I have been such an arrogant man. I know now and I ask for you forgiveness. But please God, help me…””YES MY SON?””My God…!!! thank you, thank you, thank you!” The man screams…”Would you please God tell me where I can find some water?”YES MY SON. WALK NORTH FOR 54 MILES. YOU WILL FIND A CACTUS. TURN RGHT AND WALK ANOTHER 20 MILES. YOU WILL FIND ANOTHER CACTUS. IF YOU DIG DEEP ENOUGH, THERE YOU WILL FIND WATER.After looking around for a few seconds, the man looks up again and asks:”Is there anybody else?”

  49. Adam Wootton

    I was on the train to work this morning and I said tothe man next to me, “Can I borrow your newspaper?” “That’s so last century”, he said, “here, use my iPad”.I tell you that fly never knew what hit him.

    1. David Semeria

      Maybe I’m dumb, can you explain the fly part?

      1. Tereza

        He needed the newspaper to swat the fly, Sweet Pea.

        1. David Semeria

          Yup, I’m dumb. Thanks Tereza!

          1. Donna Brewington White

            Oh, David. Now, that’s funny.

  50. Peter St. Onge

    From an economist:The early Nobels were awarded for teaching the public something trivially obvious to economists. Recent Nobels are awarded for teaching economists something trivially obvious to the public.

    1. laurie kalmanson

      awesome

  51. Peter St. Onge

    A cannibal is walking on beach with his son, and they see a beautiful woman. Son: Let’s eat her! Dad: No! Son: Let’s eat her! Dad: No! Finally the Dad relents, says, tell you what: We’ll take her home… and eat your mother.

  52. Denim

    I’ll preface this by saying I am Canadian, lived in Boston for 3 years and was told this by an American friend. So be gentle..Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.Eventually, the Archangel Michael found him, resting on the seventh day. He enquired of God, “Where have you been?”God sighed a deep sign of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look Michael, look what I’ve made.”Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?””It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place of great balance.””Balance?” enquired Michael, still confused.God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there a continent of black people,” God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered with ice.”The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, “What’s that one?””Ah,” said God. “That’s Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people of Canada are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they’re going to be found travelling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I’m also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them.”Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed: “What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!”God replied wisely, “Wait till you see the loud-mouthed bastards I’m putting right next to them….”And for balance..What does a Canadian say when someone steps on his foot? Sorry.

  53. Koslow

    What do you call a dog with no legs? …Doesn’t matter, he’s not coming!!

    1. James Ferguson @kWIQly

      There was one called cigarette – people used to take him out for a drag !

  54. markslater

    jokes are much funnier NOT in the company of 5 year olds.

    1. Elia Freedman

      The funny part of telling jokes to a five year old is not the joke; it’s the five year old’s reaction.

      1. Donna Brewington White

        And then listening to them try to repeat it. Over and over and over…

    2. fredwilson

      yes, that is most certainly true

  55. WA

    Please, tell me everything you know…I have a minute to spare.

    1. mlstotts

      Using that when I get a cold call. “Do you have a minute?” Sure, tell me everything you’ve ever learned in life.

  56. Just Me

    My mom and dad were in the Berkeley scene in the late 60’s. Like all young folks I wanted to be rebellious. So {pause for effect}, of course I started voting Republican once I graduated. ~ Geoffrey

    1. ShanaC

      🙂

  57. Cam MacRae

    A man is walking along a country lane when he comes across a shepherd with a large flock of sheep.”I bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in your flock”, says the man. The shepherd thinks things over; it’s a pretty big flock so he agrees to the bet. “967”, says the man. The shepherd is amazed because he absolutely right.”Wow! Ok, I’m a man of my word, take your prize”, exclaims the shepherd. The man picks one up and begins to walk away.”Wait!”, cries the shepherd, “Double or nothing I can guess your exact occupation.””Sure”, says the man.”You’re an economist for a government think tank”, explains the shepherd.”That’s incredible!”, shouts the man, “You’re exactly correct. How the devil did you deduce that?””Well”, says the shepherd, “put down my dog and I’ll tell you”.

    1. andyidsinga

      got a good laugh out of that one 🙂

      1. Cam MacRae

        You might like the one about the two macroeconomists who go hunting with a non-economist friend. They stalk a beautiful looking buck along a ridge until they come upon it grazing in a clearing. Both economists fire within a heartbeat, one missing 6 feet to the left, the other 6 feet to the right. The deer escapes unharmed, but the two men yell and whoop and begin to high five. Their puzzled friend asks what they’re so excited about given they’ve both missed by a country mile, frightening off their quarry in the process. The economists excitedly reply, “What do you mean missed? On average we got him right between the eyes!”

        1. andyidsinga

          🙂 good one.

  58. WA

    Descarte walks into a bar. The bartender says “Rene! Its been a long time. Can I buy ou a drink? Descarte responds “I think not”…and dissappears.

  59. WA

    Descarte walks into a bar. The bartendder says, “Rene, its been a while! Great to see you…can I buy you a drink?” Rene says, “I think not”…and dissappears.

    1. David Semeria

      Excellent!

    2. Donna Brewington White

      That’s great.

    3. Vasudev Ram

      Descartes, IIRC.Yes, excellent. I almost didn’t get it at first. So maybe I should disappear (because I don’t think sometimes) …

  60. David K

    A Jazz fan dies and goes to heaven. When he gets to the PearlyGates, St. Peter asks him where he’d like to go first – so the guy says he’dlike to go to a jazz club.When they get to the one St. Peter recommends, there’s all sorts of peoplesitting at the bar, listening to the music – Dizzy, Duke, Bird, etc. – but atthe far end is a guy in a dazzling, well-cut suit, wearing shades and smoking.”Who’s that?” asks the guy.”It’s God,” says St. Peter: “He thinks he’s Miles Davis.

    1. fredwilson

      🙂

  61. Elia Freedman

    Since we are telling bar jokes today…Piece of string walks into a bar, sits down and says, “Bartender, bring me a drink.” Bartender says we don’t serve pieces of string so it walks out. Outside, the string frays its ends and ties itself in a know, walks back inside and sits down at the bar. “Bartender, bring me a drink.”Bartender says, “weren’t you just in here?” String says, “I’m a-fraid not.”

  62. Elia Freedman

    Why don’t blind people bungie jump? Scares the snot out of their dog.

  63. Elia Freedman

    (And one more for actual five year olds.)Guy drives downtown, parks in front of a building, goes inside and when he comes out, there are a bunch of penguins in his car. Police officer pulls up and says, “You can’t have those here. You need to take them to the zoo.” Go says okay and drives off.Next day, same downtown, same driver, same police officer. “Hey buddy. I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo?” Driver replies, “I did. Today we’re going to the beach.”

    1. Donna Brewington White

      That is one of my favorites. Didn’t hear it until I was an adult, told by another adult. Except the second time the penguins are wearing sunglasses.

    2. Wavelengths

      I love that one. Now I’ll have to come up with something different. 🙂

  64. Dnique

    what did one wall say to the other wall?Meet you at the corner.

  65. Elia Freedman

    Knock, knock. Who’s there? Orange…(Now that’s a five year old joke. Never met one that couldn’t tell that one over and over and over again.)

  66. Donna Brewington White

    Two old codgers were sitting out on the front porch.Out in the yard, there’s this dog meticulously cleaning himself.One of the old codgers turns to the other old codger and says “I sure wish I could do that.”The other old codger looks at him incredulously and says “That dawg would bi-i-i-i-ite yoou!”

    1. William Mougayar

      I’m sure there was an adult version for this one 🙂 Good job cleansing it!

      1. Donna Brewington White

        I realize in retrospect that this is not as funny without being told with a thick Southern drawl.

  67. David Semeria

    “Big Mac and fries to go please””Sir, this is a library”Whispers: “Sorry, Big Mac and fries to go please”

  68. Donna Brewington White

    Deleted …wrong place…hate doing comments from my phone.

    1. kidmercury

      lol i wish! wasnt me though, apparently a fredland citizen named raju

  69. kidmercury

    a million people walk into a bar in silicon valley. no one buys anything. the bar is declared a rousing success.

    1. fredwilson

      it’s interesting that bar jokes are the dominant form in this thread. i guess AVC really is a bar.

      1. Raju Vikram

        good bar joke again, Fred

      2. Robert Holtz

        Oh, DEFINITELY… Mix me up a cool glass of my regular, Cap’n. 🙂

  70. Dave Pinsen

    This was one of the funnier bits from Mr. Show with Bob [Odenkirk] and David [Cross], a comedy show the two had on HBO in the ’90s. It’s clean.The Story of Everest.Don’t read the comments before watching, as they contain a minor spoiler.

    1. Dave Pinsen

      And if the embedded link doesn’t work on your device for some reason, here it is unembedded: http://www.youtube.com/watc

      1. andyidsinga

        that was awesome!

        1. Dave Pinsen

          Seen it a bunch of times and it always cracks me up.

  71. David Semeria

    There are three men on a train. One of them is an economist and one of them is a logician and one of them is a mathematician.They have just crossed the border into Scotland and they see a brown cow standing in a field from the window of the train.The economist says, ‘Look, the cows in Scotland are brown.’ And the logician says, ‘No. There are cows in Scotland of which at least one is brown.’ And the mathematician says, ‘No. There is at least one cow in Scotland, of which one side appears to be brown

    1. fredwilson

      makes you wonder about economists

  72. reece

    What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?……..DAMN!

  73. Dan Spinosa

    There are only three hard problems in computer science: naming things and off-by-one errors.

    1. reece

      i love when @spinosa:disqus catches engineers with this joke…

      1. reece

        my other favorite from @spinosa:disqus is his running joke of “liking” or upvoting every one of his own posts on facebook, instagram… and now, disqus…

        1. fredwilson

          i just upvoted his joke too reece

    2. Vasudev Ram

      There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

      1. Wavelengths

        Teehee! MAJOR nerd joke!

        1. Vasudev Ram

          🙂 What may be a better version (and is the one I first heard):1 person in 100 understand binary. The other 11 don’t.

    3. Cam MacRae

      Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

      1. Techman

        Don’t get it

        1. Vasudev Ram

          Cam beat me to it.OCT = Octal (base 8 numbers – one of the kinds programmers use).DEC = Decimal (base 10 numbers – the kind other humans use, programmers too)31 OCTal = 3 * 8 + 1 = 2 * 10 + 5 = 25 DECimal.

          1. Cam MacRae

            Ha! Strange that disqus didn’t show me your response until after I posted mine 🙁

        2. Cam MacRae

          Non-programmers/mathematicians/engineers seldom do; it relies on an understanding of number systems.A) OCT(AL|TOBER). DEC(IMAL|EMBER).B) 31 base-8 = 3*8^1 + 1*8^0 base-10C) To convert 25 base-10 to base-8 we successively divide by the largest viable power of 8 and use the quotient such that:25 / 8^1 = 3—25 – 8^1 * 3 = 11 / 8^0 = 1Thus 25 base-10 = 31 base-8.D) Finally, you need to know that October 31 (Halloween) != December 25 (Christmas) 😉

    4. Prokofy

      Oh, that reminds me of a geek joke that is perfect for this blog. I saw it on G+ from somebody but just now found it on Steel White Table blog:A wife asks her husband, a software engineer, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!”A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.The wife asks him, “Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”He replied, “They had eggs.”

      1. fredwilson

        that describes me and the gotham gal to a tee when she sends me shopping

      2. RichardF

        that is really funny

      3. Wavelengths

        I used your joke in a comment on Saturday’s blog. Thanks. (I gave you credit!)

      4. Techman

        Conditional statements at hits finest. Guess you gotta give props to Geometry.

      5. Robert Holtz

        Love this one more than words can express. Thanks for sharing it. You rock. 🙂

    5. fredwilson

      #geekjokes for the win!

  74. chrisdorr

    A Republican, a Democrat and an Independent walk into a bar.. The bartender says, “Hi Mitt!

    1. Guest

      Balancing it out with the New Yorker’s take on his opponent.

    2. fredwilson

      🙂

    3. Lee Blaylock

      That’s the similar version of the one that says an American, a Socialist and a Muslim walk into a bar and the bartender says “Want the usual Barack?” 😉

      1. chrisdorr

        For a joke to be truly funny, it needs to be true. Obama has always been an American and has never been a socialist or a Muslim. On the other hand, Romney has taken both sides of almost every important position a modern politician can take, thus he fits every political category.

        1. Lee Blaylock

          You’re right. Obama has never studied the Muslim faith, attended a Muslim school in Indonesia or be able to quote the Qur’an in perfect tone. That must have been an impostor writing and reading the books on tape of his “Dreams of My Father” book. Plus creating over 175,000 government jobs, putting millions more on food stamps, saying overtly he is for redistribution of income or passing Obamacare (as close to socialized medicine as possible without the public option) with zero republicans voting when he said he was going to be a uniter and not a divider. I must be missing something here!

          1. Techman

            At first I up voted your comment, but then changed my mind when you started attacking him. You obviously are not an Obama supporter or have no form of constructive criticism. If you are going to bash someone, at least point out the good stuff they have done.

          2. Lee Blaylock

            As Sergeant Hulka said in the movie Stripes “lighten up Francis” this is joke Friday!!! let’s get a long people! the world has room for both libs and conservatives.I replied to the comment with hard facts that make the joke funny as the joke has a lot of truth to it and so did the Romney joke – i chuckled at that one too. It is joke friday and I purposefully didn’t want to address his comments on Romney as that wasn’t part of my joke. I’m not bashing if you agree all those are good, I’m only pointing out facts.OK… I’ll share the best thing Obama’s done…He passed the STOCK Act that now, for the first time (unbelievable but true), makes it a criminal offense for a member of the house or senate to go to jail for trading on inside information. Yes, both sides of the aisle have been trading on information you and I could go to jail for since the stock market began or buy real estate near new roads that haven’t been announced yet. Look at the transactions in healthcare and insurance stocks, both before and after house and senate cmte meetings, and it will make you puke. Though the house and senate are exempted from ObamaCare (why if it is such a great law? hummm…) but at least now they can’t trade off of information they have and we don’t. The next thing we need to get the to get rid of are their permanent pensions after being in office just one term.As it is joke Friday, here’s one that is apposite… as Mark Twain said…”Congress is the only place in the world that each days starts with a prayer and each day ends in an investigation!”

  75. raycote

    An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking together through the hills of Scotland. They reached a hilltop. Looking over to the next hilltop, they saw a black sheep.In delight, the engineer cried, “What do you know? The sheep in Scotland are black!”“Well, some of the sheep in Scotland are black,” replied the experimental physicist.The theoretical physicist considered this a minute, then said, “Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black.”The philosopher thought for a second, then responded, “Well, it’s black on one side, anyway.”

    1. fredwilson

      we have another version of that joke in this thread. kind of funny to see that

  76. iggyfanlo

    These 3 jokes were amusing when I heard them as a college sophomore in 1981 from my Econ 102 Prof at the end of 3 consecutive weekly lectures; much funnier now that he’s been the Head of the CEA.1. Economist convinces a beautiful woman to go to dinner. After a pleasant dinner, back at her place, he asks her solemnly “would you go to bed with me for $1,000,000?”. She giggles approvingly; then he asks her “Would you go to bed with me for $2?”.She slaps him across the face and exclaims “What do you think I am?”. Without missing a beat, the economist states “I’ve already determined that. Now I searching for the equilibrium price”2. Economist, chemist and physicist on desert island; one can of unopened beans. Discussion on opening the can ensues. Chemist proposes to gather sea water; other minerals and corrode away the top cover. Physicist proposes levers, pulleys and heavy mass object to deflect at perfect angle to knock cover off. Economist cannot believe his ears. HE says “let’s assume there is a can opener”3. Two friends in a hot air balloon. They lose control of the system and it drifts far away. After a long wait, the air finally cools and they drift back down to earth dozens of miles off course. As they near the ground, they get within ear shot of a person. One fo the friends yells out “Where are we?”. The man on the ground repsonds immediately “In a balloon”. After several minutes the first friend turns to other and says “Who was that smartass?”. The second say “Obviously an economist. He was absolutely right and absolutely irrelevant.”

  77. ShanaC

    It isn’t for five year olds, but it is family safe:ELOQUENCE, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.or a taste of the Devil’s Dictionary.http://xroads.virginia.edu/

    1. pointsnfigures

      And I thought that was the purpose of Scandanavian cooking.

      1. ShanaC

        ha!

  78. iggyfanlo

    Guy goes to the doctor. The doctor says “I have bad news on two fronts. First, you have cancer.” Man cries for a minute, then asks, what else? Doctor says “You have Alzheimers”… Man is recovering nicely; he says “Well at least I don’t have cancer!”

  79. raycote

    A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?””My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.””Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.”Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $50,000.””Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.””And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.””Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.””Then this month,” continued, the friend, “nothing!”

  80. numerosiete

    How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?This really obscure, amazing number you’ve never even heard of.

    1. laurie kalmanson

      one, if it is an artisanal handcrafted lightbulb

    2. Guest

      How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?That’s not funny.

  81. mlstotts

    What if jokes could be patented? No, that’s not funny.

  82. iggyfanlo

    Mahatma Gandhi upon giving up worldly things to pursue Indian independence and non-violent protest did several things:1. Gave up the practice of wearing shoes2. Ate rarely and became very thin and slight3. Became deeply spiritual4. Unfortunately all these things contributed strongly to his very bad breathWhat was he at this time?Super calloused, fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

  83. JLM

    .Two Brits finish playing golf at St Andrews just escaping the rains.First Brit takes off his tammy revealing a glisteningly smooth freshly shaven pate. He rubs his head and smiles with obvious satisfaction.”Feels like my wife’s silky bum, don’t you know?”Second Brit reaches out and slowly caresses his head.”Old boy, you are exactly right!”And you thought it was going to be a golf joke..

    1. David Semeria

      Most excellent JLM – well played, sir!

    2. fredwilson

      it is a golf joke!

  84. Wavelengths

    True story, I think. Told to me by the guy in the suit.In the last days of the supercomputer race, with Cray in the lead, a company in Denver with a bigger, better machine was running out of cash before they could deliver the Cray-crushing new supermonster.A couple of the company’s top execs were scouting everywhere to try to find the necessary funding to make it down the home stretch. In their search, they ended up at an investment bank in Scotland. Planning ahead carefully, my friend dressed in a fine tweed suit that he thought would be perfect for the environment.When the two men were ushered into the waiting area, my friend found himself sitting down on a tweed-upholstered sofa that perfectly matched his suit.They didn’t get the funding.

  85. janetvp

    Wife to man: If I died, would you let your new wife drive my new car?Man: Sure, probably.Wife (getting upset): Would you let her wear my sable coat?Man: I don’t see why not. Wife (now quite irate): I supposed you would even let her use my golf clubs!Man: No, of course not. She’s left-handed.

    1. fredwilson

      that’s good

    2. Techman

      Sounds like that wife needs to drop that man like a rock! Any man would be better then that…I hope. But good joke, though.

  86. Andrew

    A man walks into a bar and the bartender says “What is this, some kind of a joke?”

    1. Donna Brewington White

      Love it!

  87. laurie kalmanson

    a little specialized but the ux drinking game site is an endless source of things so funny they hurt http://www.uxdrinkinggame.com/

  88. Laurent Boncenne

    Heard one of the best of jokes today, but wrong on so many levels I’m not even sure it would be appropriate to an 18 year old…. too bad.

  89. Sean Saulsbury

    I have a really great joke about perfectionism, but it’s not ready to tell yet.

    1. William Mougayar

      Ha! Same as the joke about the baker?It’s still in the oven!

  90. Mike Kijewski

    Norm MacDonald telling the Moth joke on Conan. Funnies delivery ever. Joke starts at 6:20http://www.youtube.com/watc…

  91. Michael Simonsen

    Do zombies eat their popcorn with their fingers?No. They eat their fingers separately.

  92. Keith Edwards

    Barack Obama

  93. Jay Bryant

    This is a simple joke that I heard from an old farmer when I was visiting my mother…What did the jar of mayonnaise say to the refrigerator?…..keep the door shut! I’m dressing!!

  94. Nick Ambrose

    This is super-long but I’ve always found it both amusing and grounding to remember to look before you leap :)One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. “Gentlemen,” he began, “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we’re about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!” With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. “Gentlemen,” he said, “I am the world’s greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world’s greatest athlete should have a parachute!” With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night. Bill Gates rose and said, “Gentlemen, I am the world’s smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world’s smartest man should have a parachute, too.” He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. “My son,” he said, “I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane.” The hippie smiled slowly and said, “Hey, don’t worry, pop. The world’s smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack.”(posted from http://www.101funjokes.com/

  95. pointsnfigures

    When I was trader on the trading floor, I heard millions of jokes. None of them printable. But reading a biography of Winston Churchill I laughed out loud at this:Churchill was at a dinner party and didn’t get along with one of the guests, Lady AstorShe said, “If you were my husband I’d poison your tea.”He replied, “If you were my wife I would drink it.”

    1. fredwilson

      yup, that’s a good one

    2. Donna Brewington White

      Wasn’t it Churchill and Astor to whom this is attributed:Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly. I shall be sober in the morning.

      1. pointsnfigures

        Yes, they didn’t care for each other

  96. Mircea Paşoi

    How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

    1. fredwilson

      did you make that up?

    2. Kirsten Lambertsen

      Look who’s here 🙂

  97. Raju Vikram

    A guy meets a doctor. Explains his health issues. Doctors says ” No medicines required. you just need to take a lot of rest”. Guy responds back “Ok, that would mean I have to go to Work every day ” !!

  98. John McGrath

    An engineer walks into a bar and orders 1.00000000001000000 082740370999090373516082763671875 root beers. The bartender says “I’ll have to charge extra; that’s a root beer float”. The engineer replies “In that case, make it a double.”

    1. fredwilson

      ha!

  99. Vasudev Ram

    Wow Fred, one of your best posts ever. I hereby award you N (not 1) bazillion bitcoins.

    1. fredwilson

      i will gladly accept. i think i want to own some bitcoin

      1. Vasudev Ram

        🙂

  100. FAKE GRIMLOCK

    ME, GRIMLOCK, GO INTO A BAR.NOW EVERYONE DEAD.THAT IT.

    1. LE

      Best to tell jokes when audience is around. Everyone has left by now.

    2. ShanaC

      Note to self: Do not go to a bar with @FakeGrimlock:disqus

    3. JLM

      .OK, Grim, you and I have been to a bar together and only the redhead at the next table was devoured.Your eyes are bigger than your tummy..

      1. FAKE GRIMLOCK

        NO BEER WAS INVOLVED.THAT MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

  101. Elia Freedman

    What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.

  102. timraleigh

    “I can talk about comedy a lot but I think it’s kinda like talking about sex, you can do any fancy dive you like but it’s just a foot of water”Jerry Seinfeld to Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee

    1. ShanaC

      such a brilliant web series.

  103. M. Cole Chilton

    “The German sense of humor is no laughing matter.” (obviously Mark Twain)

  104. FlavioGomes

    After a night of heavy drinking at a bar, Sam threw up over his nice new suit. “What am I going to say to my wife??” A guy beside him said, “take 20 bucks, put it in your pocket and tell your wife some strange drunk puked all over you and gave you 20 dollars for dry cleaning.” Great idea, Sam thought!Sam gets home and sure enough his wife accosts him on his fowl smelling suit. “What happend Sam?!?!”……Sam says, “Well this guy was really drunk and puked all over me, and gave me 20 bucks for dry cleaning.” His wife reaches in his pocket and pulls out 40 dollars. “What’s the extra 20 for?!?!” “Oh, that’s from the guy that crapped in my pants.”Badumpbump

  105. Samir

    An old oil exec decides its time to ditch the oil business and get into smartphones. He sacks the entire workforce hires thousands of product specialists . 2 years in it is not working so he goes to see a monk – the monk tells him “here’s what you have to do, hire Steve Jobs and get him to wave a towel over you everyday while you work. Oil exec hires SJ and sits in his office everyday with SJ furiously waving the towel over him.Another 2 years pass and nothing happens so the exec goes back to see the monk and tells him “monk you are an idiot, SJ is really hostile and the towel waving is doing nothing!” To which the monk replies, ” here’s what you have to do, swap places with SJ, let him run the company and you wave the towel.”So SJ runs the company, and the old oil exec stands over him everyday waving the towel furiously. 2 years pass, the company dominates the smartphone space, accolades flood in and the oil exec makes billions. At the end of the 2 year the oil exec taps SJ on the shoulder and says -” See Steve that’s how you wave a f***ing towel!”

  106. Prokofy

    I don’t have a joke but this advice from Guy Kawasaki about how to give a presentation made me smile — and I thought of you and figured you might get something from it.http://blog.guykawasaki.com

  107. leigh

    Apple Maps

    1. fredwilson

      you and andy (facebook stock) are on the same wavelength

  108. Lauren Sperber

    Two chemists go out for lunch. When the waiter comes over to take their drink over, one of them decides to be a bit geeky and says “I’ll have some H20.” The second chemist thinks this is pretty funny, so he says “I’ll have some H20 too.”Later, the second chemist dies.

    1. fredwilson

      H2O2?

      1. Laurent Boncenne

        Initially I thought It was H twenty and was a bit confused, but then I read your reply and I got it, I’m slow =/

      2. Lauren Sperber

        Yeah. I’ve been told the second chemist would actually just get really sick, but I think the more dramatic ending is funnier.

  109. Lee Blaylock

    “The Husband Store” A store that sells newhusbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose ahusband.Among the instructions at the entrance is a description ofhow the store operates:You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floorsand the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particularfloor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back downexcept to exit the building!So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.On the first floor the sign on the door reads:Floor 1 – These men Have JobsShe is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, wherethe sign reads:Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and areExtremely Good Looking.‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-deadGood Looking and Help With Housework.‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-deadGorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixthfloor, where the sign reads:Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. Thereare no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women areimpossible to please.Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.PLEASE NOTE:To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened aNew Wives store just across the street.The first floor has wives that love sex.The second floor has wives that love sex and have money andlike beerThe third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never beenvisited..

  110. Lee Blaylock

    Into a Belfast pubcomes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train.His arm is in asling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with alimp.”What happenedto you?” asks Sean, the bartender.” Jamie O’Connerand me had a fight,” says Paddy.” That littlejerk, O’Conner,” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must havehad something in his hand.”” That hedid,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ hegave me with it.”” Well,”says Sean, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have somethingin your hand?”” That Idid,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Conner’s left breast, and a thing of beauty itwas, but useless in a fight.”

  111. Lee Blaylock

    THE COYOTECalifornia:The Governor ofCalifornia is jogging with his dog along anature trail.A coyote jumps outand attacks the Governor’s dog, thenbites the Governor..1. The Governorstarts to intervene, but reflects uponthe movie “Bambiand then realizes heshould stop because the coyote is onlydoing what isnatural.2. He calls animalcontrol . Animal Control capturesthe coyote and billsthe State $200 testing it for diseasesand $500 forrelocating it.3. He calls aveterinarian. The vet collects the deaddog and bills theState $200 testing it for diseases.4. The Governor goesto hospital and spends $3,500getting checked fordiseases from the coyote and on gettinghis bite woundbandaged.5. The running trailgets shut down for 6 months whileFish& Gameconducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the areais now free ofdangerous animals.6. The Governorspends $50,000 in state fundsimplementing a”coyote awareness program” for residents ofthe area.7. The StateLegislature spends $2 million to study howto better treatrabies and how to permanently eradicate thedisease throughoutthe world.8. The Governor’ssecurity agent is fired for notstopping the attack.The State spends $150,000 to hire andtrain a new agentwith additional special training re: thenature of coyotes.9. PETA protests thecoyote’s relocation and files a $5million suit againstthe State.TEXAS :The Governor of Texasis jogging with his dog along anature trail. ACoyote jumps out and attacks his dog.1. The Governorshoots the coyote with his State-issuedpistol and keepsjogging. The Governorhas spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollowpoint cartridge.2. The Buzzards eatthe dead coyote.And that, my friends,is why California is broke and Texasis not.

    1. Donna Brewington White

      Ha!

  112. Lee Blaylock

    The first testicularguard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet wasused in 1944. That means it only took 70 years for men to realize that theirbrain is also important. Ladies…..Quit Laughing.

  113. Lee Blaylock

    A guy walks into abar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.All the hillbilliessitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from thenorth.The bartender says,”You ain’t from around here, are ya?”The guy says,”No, I’m from Canada .”The bartender says,”What do you do in Canada ?”The guy says,”I’m a taxidermist.”The bartender says,”A taxidermist? What in tarnationis a taxidermist? Do you drive ataxi?””No”, saysthe Canadian “A taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.”The bartender grinsand hollers, “It’s okay boys. He’s one of us.”

  114. iMad

    Continuing the iMaps jokes: Q: What does Apple Maps use? A: Map-Reduce.source:A Googler

  115. Kirsten Lambertsen

    This one could probably be told in front of 5 year olds because they wouldn’t get it. Also, it’s vintage, so 20-somethings might not get it either:- I asked my boss if I could use his dictaphone, but he said, “No! You’ll have to use your finger like everybody else!” -Safe for all audiences:A man walks into City Hall and tells the clerk, “I would like to change my name.”Clerk: “Fine, sir. What is your name?”Man: “Barry Boogar.”Clerk: “Oh, yes. I do understand. What would you like to change your name to?”Man: “Eddie Boogar.”

  116. Max Yoder

    So bummed I missed this thread! What a great idea, and loads of good jokes. William, I hope you learned your lesson—don’t get out of line again!

    1. Donna Brewington White

      You didn’t miss it! It’s still here!

    2. Wavelengths

      Now THAT’S a good joke. Hahahahahah!

  117. bcarroll1234

    Guy walks into a clothing store and says “I want that jacket in the window.” The clerk replies: “it *is* in the window.”

  118. Robert Holtz

    Here’s a clean joke you can share with anyone… and there isn’t even any Apple-bashing in it either.Ironically, it is meant to be a lawyer-bashing joke but all my friends in the legal profession are the ones who laugh at this one the most.OKAY, here goes…A guy goes into a law office to meet with an attorney.Getting right to business, he asks the lawyer, “How much do you charge for your services?”The lawyer says, “Young man, I charge $50 to answer 3 questions.””$50 for 3 questions!” exclaims the guy then asks, “Isn’t that a little steep?””Indeed it is,” replied the lawyer, “Now, what’s your final question?”

  119. Robert Holtz

    Here’s another…Two cannibals are eating a clown.One of them turns to the other and asks, “Does this taste funny to you?”Rimshot. ^^

  120. pointsnfigures

    Had to add this in light of the accusations about Sen Menendez. Do you know how to make a hormone? Don’t pay her.

  121. ShanaC

    Apple is not a minority group. They’re a large public company which is going through a pr fiasco of their own making. People will joke about such things, because they have their own fears on the subject.(also, factually I know that William carry’s an Iphone I believe…)

  122. JamesHRH

    To quote one of the world’s truly funny people…..,’Really?’

  123. kidmercury

    i wanted to upvote your comment because it gave me a really hearty chuckle, although i didn’t want such an upvote to be construed as an endorsement of the vitriol you ironically accuse william of exuding.the best part, though, is that if you were a regular fredland citizen, you would know that william is an apple fan and uses their products. HAHAHHAAHAHA!

  124. Donna Brewington White

    Still waiting for the “gotcha!”

  125. Cam MacRae

    Satire requires a wit you do not possess.

  126. JLM

    .Hey, Dude, if Apple makes senses of humor — get one.We all love Apple. A deep enduring and hot love, mind you.Stay calm..

  127. Denim

    wow, based on this comment I am going to start using Google maps exclusively. After all, it sounds as though they are correct at least 100% of the time, based on your experience. zing!

  128. Pete Griffiths

    Good joke!

  129. jason wright

    is this a new genre in alternative comedy?

  130. William Mougayar

    If you had researched me or this community prior to leaving your comment, you may have said other things, so I will let it slide for this one time only. And thanks for all the AVC’ers that commented back on my behalf. 

  131. Graham Carey

    Someone forgot to install iHumour

  132. Prokofy

    “The ocean called, they want their shrimp back.”

  133. fredwilson

    try having a sense of humor. this is fun friday and we are telling jokes.

  134. Abhisshek Das

    Guys, always remember:1.) If I don’t think your joke is funny, you are an awful person.2.) Things are only funny if they offend nobody.3.) The Internet is serious business.(none of the above is true 😉

  135. Abhisshek Das

    Chick You mad 😉

  136. paramendra

    Oh my. This just adds to William’s joke. LMAO!

  137. Dan Lewis

    Who’s there?

  138. Abdallah Al-Hakim

    me too – let me know if it happens but I am starting to think it is not likely 🙂

  139. William Mougayar

    True. An iPhone, iPad, MacBook Air, and I must have purchased 7 iMacs & MacBook Pros for my team in the past 2 years.

  140. Wavelengths

    Not a “joke” I’ll be repeating anytime soon.

  141. pointsnfigures

    So how much stock do you own?

  142. William Mougayar

    Lol. I’m no different than many other startups. But to clarify, everything except the iPhone & iPad were purchased as “used” from Craigslist.

  143. William Mougayar

    Shhh! The real fan girl Jessica might start to like me now 🙂

  144. Wavelengths

    I thought throwing vitriol into someone’s face was a criminal offense.You are gracious, William.

  145. RichardF

    rarely do I agree with down voting but this was the perfect community use of it.

  146. Techman

    You let a personal attack slide?

  147. William Mougayar

    Thank you.

  148. FAKE GRIMLOCK

    THAT IMPOSSIBLE.WILLIAM HAS BRAIN.

  149. William Mougayar

    🙂

  150. LE

    I hope (she?) comes back. I read that one to my wife over dinner. She thinks that perhaps the commenter could have been suffering from this:http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

  151. William Mougayar

    True. That comment was rejected by the community like an organ rejection. It just didn’t fit.

  152. Wavelengths

    Not a good idea to post a flame when you know you’re having a bad day. Or does s/he know? Sad.

  153. Techman

    Thank you Fred! I guess some people do not realize that this post is about fun, not seriousness.

  154. Techman

    I don’t love Apple at all. Sure, they have design down pat, but their hardware is just too expensive. You are paying for looks, not the actual hardware.

  155. Techman

    It went down more. And more. And more. Pure hate and attacking like that does not belong here, and starts a whole thread on hatred.

  156. Vasudev Ram

    Amos.Amos who?

  157. Vasudev Ram

    A mosquito bit me!

  158. Dan Lewis

    Amos who?

  159. Vasudev Ram

    Knock knock.

  160. Vasudev Ram

    Who’s there?

  161. Vasudev Ram

    Andy.

  162. Vasudev Ram

    Andy who?

  163. Vasudev Ram

    Andy’s still biting me!

  164. William Mougayar

    Yes. You have the pick your fights.

  165. Donna Brewington White

    Such silliness. ))))